"Dean"

I made the decision today that I was going to start blogging. I seem to have a lot I want to say and no one really to say it to. So here it goes.

Three years ago I was madly in love with a man. A man whom I thought I would grow old with. As our relationship progressed I realized that I was maturing and he was not. I was ready to settle down while his priorities remained drinking and gambling. And despite the fact that I loved him with all my heart I knew I had to break it off because we were just too different. I didn't handle this realization well and to disguise my heartbreak I turned to wine and meaningless sex.

A short week after breaking it off with "Dean" I met a man named "Chris" through a mutual friend. I found him very attractive right off the bat but didn't care much for his personality. My self-esteem was very low during this point and I turned to "Chris" as a way of making myself feel better. We started a casual relationship which consisted of us getting drunk and having sex. This lasted for about a month when I finally came to my senses and realized what I was doing was wrong. I had started talking to "Chris" again and we working through our issues. I thought everything was going to be fine.

That's when I found out I was pregnant and I knew nothing was going to be okay. I broke the news to "Chris" that he was going to be a father and he told me he was moving to a new city with his new girlfriend. Then I broke the news to "Dean" he no longer wanted anything to do with me. So here I was alone and pregnant. Through out my pregnancy I dealt with "Chris'" up and down behaviour between whether or not he wanted to be a father, as well as his new girlfriends insults and harrassments. "Dean" and I started talking again but it was always at a distance in a cordial way.

When my daughter was born things started to get better. "Chris" was taking an active role in her life and his girlfriend apologized for her behaviour. "Dean" and I started to hang out again and I could feel all my previous feelings burning beneath the surface. Now what I should of done was turn tail and run from them. However, I still held this notion in my head that we could work it out. "Dean" and I started sleeping together again around five months after my daughter was born and we kept saying it was just for fun and it didn't mean anything but in my heart I knew that I still loved him and it was more about having a connection with him than anything else. I continued down this ultimately destructive path for another five months when "Dean" told me he'd met someone. As irrational as it was seeing how we weren't together and he had made it clear we were just having fun I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on. I felt betrayed and alone.

It's been a year since that happened and "Dean" is no longer with that girl, in fact, they were only together for a few months. And I'm still in love with him. I think about him everyday and everyday my heart hurts thinking about what we once had. In my head I know that I'm in love with someone I don't even know anymore and that we will never be together again and moving on is what's best for me but I just can't seem to convince my heart. I wonder if I'll ever get over him and be happy again or if I'm destined to be alone forever pining after someone who doesn't love me back.

Even now I made plans to see him on Saturday and I don't know why. Why do I continue to torture myself? It's like some kind of strange addiction.